


Rage

by kitlee625



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 05:43:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1334194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How did you hold all three?<br/>Because I see it every day.<br/>- Grant Ward and Melinda May, Episode 1x08 “The Well”</p><p>Touching the Berzerker staff has unwelcome consequences for Melinda May.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rage

She thinks that she is stronger that this. She should be stronger than this. As she tells Ward, she lives with the images that the Berzerker staff showed her every day. For years, she has tried to lock away that part of her, hiding behind a desk in administration to prevent it from getting out. It has taken a long time for her to learn to accept what had happened in Bahrain and to move forward, to learn to control her rage. She thinks that that knowledge will protect her from the effects of the staff, allow her to use the strength it gives her to protect the team without paying the price. She is wrong.

Even after she lets go of the staff she feels its effects in her mind. Her body is a raw, exposed nerve. The slightest thing might set her off. It takes all of her self control to get to the hotel without exploding, but when tai chi does not have its usual calming effect, she decides to seek out a cruder method of relief. Alcohol will dull the rage in the short term and provide her with enough oblivion to sleep.

She does not intended to seek comfort with Ward, but when she sees him, with the same barely controlled rage boiling over inside of him, she decides to see if they can help each other out.

At first it does help. They set boundaries right away.

"Only when we're off the bus," Ward says. "We need to make sure that no one suspects a thing."

May nods. She is ambivalent about the need for secrecy, but if makes him more comfortable she will go along with it. 

They settle into a pattern. On the rare nights that they stay off the bus, she knows to expect him scratching on her door. Otherwise they work out their aggression on the mats. More than the sex or the sparing though, she takes comfort in knowing that he is grappling with the same feelings that she is.

The first crack in her armor comes when they are attacked by Centipede in the warehouse in Oakland. Despite her best efforts, she is knocked off her feet, and Ward is thrown across the room like a rag doll when he takes a punch for her. Afterwards she focuses her rage on the latter incident. Rather than admit that she is angry at herself for failing, it is easier to throw the blame onto Ward. If he had not let himself be compromised by their relationship, Centipede may not have gotten away.

He calls her on it, and the look he gives her before he walks away makes her wonder if she might be the one who is compromised.

*****

A bucket of water to the face pulls her out of oblivion. The rage when she wakes up is almost overpowering. It disorients her. She pushes it down enough to get her bearings - tied at the wrists, dangling in the air in a barn. Tied with rope, not metal. 

“Get your bearings sweetheart. Get your bearings.”

When she hears Russo call her sweetheart, she smiles. That and the rope tells her that he underestimates her. That is the last mistake he will ever make.

He stabs her in the chest, and she cannot resist taunting him. “That’s just what I needed,” she says, knowing that he will not take her threat seriously. He leaves the knife sticking out of her chest just as she knew he would, and she takes the opportunity to cut herself down.

His men fall easily. She moves so quickly that she barely registers what she is doing. She finds it easier this way, letting instinct take over for her conscious brain. This is one instance when she has to embrace the darker side of herself if she wants to get out of this alive.

She chases Russo from the barn back to the bus and kills him with a perfectly thrown knife to the back. Ward and Coulson stare at her with shock, and she can only imagine how she looks to their eyes.

She tells them to get the plane ready, and goes to take a shower. More symbolically than therapeutically, she needs to wash the blood off her hands. Ward chases after her, offers to stitch her up. She does not trust herself enough right now to say yes.

“I said get the plane ready,” she snaps.

She does not have to turn around to see the hurt in his eyes. She hopes that he understands.

*****

She manages to hold herself together on the flight to the S.H.I.E.L.D. hospital in Switzerland. She focuses on the tasks at hand, letting the details push any other, darker thoughts from her mind. Skye is still alive in the hyperbaric chamber. Simmons will keep Skye alive on the journey. She will fly them to Switzerland as quickly as possible. Skye will live.

Ward cannot tear his eyes away from Skye, and she can see the pain behind them. She follows him into the cargo bay and is there to watch his rage explode as he punches the SUV. He squeezes his hand in impotent rage, and she entwines her hand in his.

“This isn’t your fault. Blaming yourself won’t do her any good,” she says.

She hopes the words will allow him to let go the rage, but by the look in his eyes she knows she cannot reach him. “I’m not blaming myself,” he growls.

The worst part is after they arrive in Switzerland. They have completed their mission, and now all they can do is wait. The hours tick by in the waiting room. None of them can stand to leave. The other agents take turns playing the blame game. Fitz blames himself for not stopping her. Ward blames himself as her S.O.

She comforts them the only way she can. If she cannot make the rage disappear, she finds it easier to handle when it is directed outwards than in. “The one to blame is the man who shot her. Ian Quinn. He’s responsible.” 

When the doctor tells them the grim prognosis, the last thread of self control snaps. It is not only the news that she has been unable to protect another innocent, but also knowing how her death will rip through the team and shatter everyone around her. She is not fully aware of how she gets back to the bus and into the interrogation room, but she finds herself standing before Ian Quinn.

“Finally,” he says, “I was beginning to think you’d forgotten -”

Before he can finish another word she slams his head against the table. He is stunned by the speed of her attack, allowing her to throw him to the ground.

He looks up at her, scared and helpless. “Wait, you can’t,” he begs. 

The look of terror on his face only serves to enrage her more. “Why? Because you’re defenseless?” She taunts him. “Like she was.” She grabs his jacket and drives her fist into his face as hard and as fast as she can. 

“May! May!” She looks up to see Coulson and Ward standing in the doorway. Coulson looks grim. “Outside. Now.”

She drops Quinn on the ground and follows him out of the interrogation room.

She expects Coulson to give her hell for what she just did. “He deserves to die. Not her,” she argues.

Coulson stays calm, but his words are full of focus. “Agreed. But right now Quinn doesn’t matter right now. Only Skye does.” He outlines his plan, and she lets his steely determination wash over her. She has always found his presence to be soothing, a source of balance. Even in this time of crisis, he has a plan, seeking out hope in the darkest of circumstances. She tells Ward that people like them, with darkness in their hearts, need people like Coulson, who are filled with and light. It is easier to resist the dark impulses telling her to cause pain and death and destruction as long as she has a light like Coulson to guide her.

Ward admits that he liked seeing her go after Quinn. “You don’t open the blinds like that very often.”

She wants to explain that she cannot. It takes everything she has to keep up the facade of icy detachment that covers up the burning rage inside of her. Open a little bit to the outside world, and the walls she has built up will melt, and she will be unable to stop herself from raining down death and destruction. She worries that he does not understand how important this is, and that rather than allowing them to comfort each other, their relationship is only fostering the worst impulses in each of them.

*****

“Is that her? The beautiful warrior with the heart of ice.”

The taunt may be coming from Lorelei’s mouth, but she knows that the words are Ward’s. How can he of all people think that her heart is ice? He, who also touched the Berzerker staff, who has been living with the rage inside of him ever since. Does he not see that it affects her as much as him?

Perhaps that is why, after Lorelei’s spell is broken, she gives in just long enough to punch him in the face. He may no longer be enchanted, but still she wants him to hurt for all that he has caused her - the worry, the physical injuries, the shame of caring for someone who does not care for her in return. As soon as her fist connects with his face, she regrets it, but it is too late.

She knows him well enough to know that he will not blame her for hitting him. He thinks he deserves it, and sure enough, he is there in the cockpit offering to let her hit him again to settle the score. He says it lightly, but she knows that this is how he copes with what happened. It is easier to blame himself for being weak or pretend like it was just a lover’s indiscretion than to admit that he had been violated, his free will stripped away.

She wants to reassure him that it was not his fault and convince him to stop blaming himself, but all she can manage is a short, “It’s fine.” 

It is not fine. It is too much. She can barely handle her own emotions, let alone his. Besides, in all the times she tried to help him in the past, nothing was more than a band aid to cover the bullet hole. She had thought that they could help each other because they are so similar, but now she sees how foolish that is. How can she help someone when she cannot even help herself.

She kicks him out of the cockpit before she can lose control and hurt him any more than she already has. By the look on his face, she can tell that she only partially succeeds. Even after all of this he still looks at her like he is hoping that she will be able to burn away the rage. Before he leaves she gives him with one last piece of advice.

“But if what Lorelei says was true, you were more honest with her than you are with yourself.”

He leaves without a word, and she wonders if he will take her advice. It is another way that they are similar. They both are drawn to those who have what they do not. Skye’s easygoing, unflappable demeanor reminds her of Coulson. She hopes that Skye will be able to help Ward where she cannot. 

She takes a slow, calming breath and tries to push what just happened out of her mind, to regain her focus. With Coulson spiraling over the secrets of his resurrection, she now more than ever needs to be stronger than her rage so that she can complete her mission. Fly the plane. Find out how much Coulson knows. Report back to Director Fury. Protect Coulson. She repeats those last words like a mantra, hoping that it will be enough to quiet the burning in her chest enough so that it does not consumes her.

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the past few episodes, I noticed that Melinda May has moments were she is less ice cold S.H.I.E..L.D. veteran and more giant green rage monster. I wrote this to explain why.


End file.
